In giving
compliments, the best pronoun to use is “you”. We all like to hear someone say
something nice about us. We don’t care much what it is just as long as it makes
us feel good. We like hearing it and we like knowing someone recognizes
something good in us.
On the flip
side the best pronoun to use in expressing criticism is “I”. That introduces a
whole new dynamic. Suddenly we are not feeling so good. We are sharing
self-criticism. We are confessing we are wrong. We are confessing we don’t have
all the answers. We are confessing we might need to say we’re sorry and ask for
forgiveness.
Yet
sincerity in an apology can bring about as much good feeling, harmony, and
strengthening into a relationship as a compliment, perhaps even more. A
compliment says something about the other person. An apology says something
about you. It is that openness that allows for a deepening level of trust and
mutual appreciation.
That apology
loses all significance when defensiveness involving pride, power, or position
raises its ugly head. This very human response rarely produces positive
results. The walls it builds prevent understanding, compromise, and
reconciliation. You cannot be defending and protecting your turf while seeking
to understand the other party in the conversation.
Within the
family it’s a lot more than sibling squabbles over who gets the top bunk, who
controls the remote, or who has access to the video game. The real damage is
done when spouses draw a hard and fast line over family duties, bank accounts,
or allowances for certain expenditures. In each way these disagreements reflect
someone trying to protect family turf they feel is theirs to do with as they
please.
In the
marketplace fear can be rampant about who has the boss’s ear or who is trying
to nose in on someone else’s business clientele. It can be as mundane as
location of an office cubicle or access to support staff. When favorite
business interests seem threatened by another’s growing ambition, the attitudinal
and verbal claws can come out destroying any chance of understanding intentions
or goals.
Among
churches the turf battles have become proverbial. Access to funds, space, and
calendar too often become the topics for heated arguments, misunderstandings,
and broken relationships. No one touches the kitchen committee’s space. Nothing
is placed on the calendar that will interfere with choir rehearsals. The
Preschool Council has absolute say over the guidelines for the use of its space
no matter how antiquarian the rules may be.
No one is
allowed to question the work of the Budget and Finance Committee. No changes
can be made in room arrangements without getting the approval of the Building and
Grounds Committee. No one can manage the class savings account except Mrs. Doe.
No one can touch the shrubs outside the front door except Mr. Doe. Turf is literally
a basis for church division. Turf protection becomes the highest priority.
In Romans 12
the Apostle Paul gives us powerful guidelines for getting along with others and
avoiding devastating defensive postures:
Rom
12:10 Love one another warmly as
Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another.
Rom
12:11 Work hard and do not be lazy.
Serve the Lord with a heart full of devotion.
Rom
12:12 Let your hope keep you joyful, be
patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.
Rom
12:13 Share your belongings with your
needy fellow Christians, and open your homes to strangers.
Rom
12:14 Ask God to bless those who
persecute you---yes, ask him to bless, not to curse.
Rom
12:15 Be happy with those who are happy,
weep with those who weep.
Rom
12:16 Have the same concern for
everyone. Do not be proud, but accept humble duties. Do not think of yourselves
as wise.
Rom
12:17 If someone has done you wrong, do
not repay him with a wrong. Try to do what everyone considers to be good.
Rom
12:18 Do everything possible on your
part to live in peace with everybody.
Defensive
tactics have rarely won a conflict, only prolonged it with disastrous effects.
