Some older adults are always
involved in activities enriching their lives. Other will be involved if
receiving assistance from others. Then there are those more mature adults who
feel they have nothing to contribute and no one has anything they should
receive. Simply put, they have withdrawn from social interaction, and they need
to know they have people around them who care.
The category of older adults
referred to as ‘Won’t-Gos” from a church community perspective fall into that
last category. They have voluntarily isolated themselves from social
interaction because their self-perception has changed from earlier years. They
had value most often before because of how they could contribute to the
community. Now they are no longer able to do what they once did. Their sense of
value has all but disappeared.
Another reason behind this
withdrawal stems from broken relationships. For the older age group this most
likely has resulted from the death of a life partner. The individual is now
just that, an individual, whereas before they were a couple. Where do they fit?
With whom should they associate? How are they able to join in to activities
that before always recognized them as part of a duo. Now they are a single. The
all too common response is simply to withdraw.
Often these “Won’t Gos” build
a protective wall around their lives to lessen the pain caused by their sense
of loss of value or place in familiar social circles. These walls will have to
be removed if these individuals regain their sense of place in once familiar
relationships. Such walls can be thick and hard to move. They may have been
built quickly, but the effort to tear them down may be slow and energy
draining. Love, compassion, and persistence are the greatest weapons we have to
remove the walls.
A “Won’t-Go” must be
convinced they are loved, valued, and even needed in the circles in which they
feel no longer wanted. This takes personal contact and emotional investment by
others who realize the relational family is incomplete without those who have
removed themselves. It can be time consuming and frustrating, but the personal
touch is the primary method to reach into the heart of these important people.
Essential actions can include
personal invitations for involvement in activities which previously were deemed
important by the “Won’t-Go”. A letter or card is not sufficient. There must be
that personal contact that provides the human touch. Go beyond a personal
invitation and provide the transportation that will add the extra incentive.
Prove through your actions the presence of the “Won’t-Go” is valued.
Remember the special days in
the life of the “Won’t-Go” which includes the difficult days as well as the
happy ones. You can count on the fact they will remember them all. Make the
phone calls. Send the cards. Special gifts are always appropriate. Offer to
spend time together either at their home or again pick them up for a time out
just the two of you or better yet with a circle of friends. Help them see the
ways they can still contribute to a circle of friends and to their church family.
Remember the goal is to let
the individual who has withdrawn know they are still valuable in relationships and
in their contribution to the lives of others. They have a part to play in
society. Their contribution will be lost to all if they do not come to realize
they are needed by society as much as they need the personal touch of others.
