It’s Okay To Be Nice

I realized after I posted the last submission I had not included any biblical foundations for appropriate ways to be nice to others. We have to admit that the times have changed. What found approval two thousand years ago may no longer be met in such fashion today. Humanity is the poorer because of that.

Noah (Genesis 6:9) and Job (Job 1:1) both received complimentary remarks. Their praise came because of obedience to the will of the Lord. King David was called a “man after God’s own heart” because of his submission to God. (I Samuel 13:14) It is rare if ever that a prophet of God received any word of praise for his faithful fulfillment of his calling.

Mary found favor in the eyes of God, but we are not told why. (Luke 1:28-30) Jesus praised Peter when he pointed out that Peter’s insight into Christ’s origin and purpose was a product of his faith. (Matthew 16:17) In the parable of the three servants in John 25, the master compliments two of them with the words, “Well done, good and faithful servants…” The victorious Lord in the book of Revelation compliments several of the seven churches because of their faithfulness in the face of heresy and persecution. (Revelation 2:6, 9, 13, 19; 3:4, 8) On numerous occasions the Apostle Paul praises churches to whom he is writing and coworkers for their faithful service for him and with him. (ex. Romans 1:8; Philippians 1:3-5; 2:19-30; I Thessalonians 1:2-3; II Thessalonians 1:3)

In all these cases compliments and supportive words come from the context of faithfulness to the divine command. Are we to believe that material objects and general appearance are of such low importance to God that he expects us to ignore them and look only on the actions of others as they relate to their obedience to his commands?

Jesus was not afraid of touch. He described the citizens of the Kingdom of God by taking a child in his arms. Many of his miraculous healings took place through the involvement of touch. People touched him and were healed. Jesus was not afraid of touch, but there was purpose when he did, and it was always for the benefit of the individual he touched.

When the Apostle Paul handed out praise, he was bragging on individuals to others who would be stirred to greater works in light of the efforts made by others. He spoke to build people up, to encourage them in the face of the struggles confronting the first century Church.

From these examples there are lessons to be learned. These lessons begin with a word from the New Testament description of heavenly wisdom. (James 3:17) The first quality of wisdom is purity. Little else matters if purity is not at the heart of what we think, say, or do. Any touch or word of praise must come from the purest motivations, or its ability to build up and encourage is diminished or lost altogether.

A similar lesson might be described as Kingdom effect. Jesus improved people’s lives through forgiveness and miracles as a way to reveal the nature of the Kingdom of God. The Kingdom is all about healing, restoration, and an awareness of God’s nature and will. Jesus touched people to introduce them to the heavenly Father. He forgave them to restore them to the relationship the Father wanted. To build people up was to bring them to the Father and help them live in his love.

Human nature has a sinful side we cannot escape. Yet as believers we are still called to reveal the Kingdom of God by what we say and do. Perhaps it is not the attractive young woman with hair brushed and an outfit color coordinated that needs our compliment. Perhaps it is the individual who has gone too long since having heard anything positive. Perhaps all that is needed for that lonely individual is the touch of another’s presence. Time freely given can work miracles and “a word spoken at the right time is like golden apples on a silver tray.” (Proverbs 25:11 HCSB)

Nothing Nice To Say

The other day as I was checking out of the grocery store, a young woman was in the next line about to finish and leave the store. She was more than young enough to be my daughter. She was dressed in neat, fashionable, thrift store style. Her hair was long and blond. She was a very attractive young woman who seemed to care how she looked in public.

I wanted to tell her that she looked nice, a bit unusual for grocery store patrons, but I knew that was out of the question. Society now considers such comments as unsolicited flirtation, sexual harassment, the actions of a dirty old man, or a combination of all three. There stood a young woman who actually had taken the time to present herself in decent fashion in public, neatly and appropriately dressed, and I could not tell her I appreciated her efforts.

A family and marriage counselor comments we have entered a time when you can compliment something about a person of the opposite sex, but you cannot compliment the person. You can compliment the person’s jewelry or coat, maybe even the shoes. You cannot, however, say they look nice. That compliments the person, not an object, and that is forbidden.

In a day when people feel isolated by the very social media upon which they have come to depend, we are cautious to the extreme about even what we say, much more how we may touch someone. Shaking hands with someone must be in appropriate fashion. Two men can hug if done quickly. A man can hug a woman only from the side and likewise must be done quickly. There are times when we all crave the touch of another human being simply because we are made that way. Our society has dictated that touch is forbidden except under the most restricted circumstances. Words are controlled almost to the same extent.

The marriage counselor gave a good reason for this caution concerning words and the use of touch. People are starved. They are starved for a compliment. They are starved for a kind word. They are starved for the attention that a compliment indicates. They are starved for a human touch that says they are worth noticing, worth the time it takes to reach out and place a hand on a shoulder. When the word or the touch finally comes, it becomes something far more than intended.

That is when things become dangerous and the caution about words and touch takes on real meaning. We want to know someone notices us. We want to know that someone thinks we have some value. We want to know that someone considers us attractive and wants to be with us. We reach out in response to what we interrupt as personal interest, and the first step is taken toward a damaging and destructive relationship.

We intend a word to say only what it means. Yet the one who hears it hears what they have been longing to hear for a long time. We intend for that hand on the shoulder to say that we understand. The one who receives the touch, however, sees someone who cares, a feeling they have not had perhaps in years.

There is a right way. There is a way to honor another person without giving the wrong impression. It always includes having a third person present. That third person needs to be the Holy Spirit of God.

Seek to honor God and you will honor the person you compliment. When you make sure that every word and every touch would honor God, what you say and do has a better chance of being received the way it is intended. People need to know God loves them and cares about them. God can do it in word and deed through each of us.

Thoughts on Aging

You can share thoughts on aging, but there is nothing you can do to slow it down or reverse it. You can stop it, but the consequences leave matters out of your hands. Since it is happening to me and everyone I know, here are some of my personal reflections.

The book of Ecclesiastes has some beautiful phrases on aging though not always optimistic. (Ecclesiastes 12) The Apostle Paul says those who have survived the years should use their experience to assist those who are younger through their example. (I Timothy 5:1; Titus 2:2) We can only hope the years have brought some added wisdom.

My recent 63^rd birthday has prompted this blog, that milestone and the fact that two of the members of my Monday morning Bible study also had recent birthdays. The elder reached 99 and the younger moved into the decade of the 90s. Both are very active, in reasonable health, and enjoy listening to my scriptural exposition as well as laughing at my semi-humorous comments. They have learned through the years how to laugh at poorly told jokes.

That is the positive side of aging. The not so positive side becomes visible when the mind begins to depart while the body remains strong. The beauty of aging disappears in the face of Alzheimer’s disease or some other form of dementia. Our prayers change from “Lord, help me age gracefully” to “Lord, spare me from aging like that.” Our medical science has provided us more years for the body than it has years for the mind. Aging can be a fearful thing.

Optimism can have its day as we remember that aging is automatic, but how we age need not be out of our control. Exercises for the body help both it and the mind maintain a healthier condition. Good nutrition is a basic need for both mind and body. An extra ingredient in this recipe for an improved aging process is attitude. What you think about what you are has a high level of influence over what you can become.

Are you just talking yourself into a different viewpoint? Perhaps, but there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Are you realigning your priorities and what are matters of importance? Of course you are, but that is something you should be doing all your life.  Are you deciding that maybe the future can in some measure be controlled by how we approach it? You have arrived at a fundamental understanding of your life and its future.

As I have been told multiple times, the one thing every individual always has under personal control is attitude. No one makes you happy. You decide that something makes you happy. No one can force you to become angry. You decide that what has happened justifies a response of anger.

The same is true of our attitude toward aging. We can decide if we will fight aging (although I don’t think that’s a battle anyone can win). We can decide if we will gracefully and peacefully drift into the years of physical and mental decline. We can be frustrated we are not thirty with the capabilities of that age. We could decide that every change in life can be met with an attitude of finding the opportunities the new context presents. We may discover we are growing as individuals even while the physical world says we should be dying.

Our cells have been dying since the day we were born. As we progressed through life, we DECIDED to do what each stage of life said we were capable of doing. I suggest, and intend to live as such, there is no such thing as a forced surrender to dying. I am alive and one day I will be dead. Until the day I am dead, there will be something in each stage of life I can do. If I can only pat the hand that pats mine, I will do it with an attitude of gratitude. And if I cannot do even that, then I will depend upon my God to know what my desires would be if I could fulfill them.

A Very Precious Crop

Recently I head the Children’s Minister for one of my churches speak in a Sunday morning service recognizing the importance of the little people in the family of faith. She made a comment that caused me to grimace just a little bit, but I knew what she meant. She said, “I am not a gardener. When I plant seeds, I don’t know if they will grow.”

Of course she was talking about getting her hands dirty out in the yard trying to get flowers to grow. However, I wanted to stand up and say, “Give yourself some credit, girl. You are working in the most important garden God has made, the lives of little children.” The rest of her message said as much, emphasizing the importance of the nurturing we give the next generation.

We who are adults now are important. We are the current leaders. We are the current decision makers. We are the determiners of the context in which the next generation will have to make its decisions. We need to remember the day will come when that generation will be making those decisions, and some of those decisions will affect our final years. Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home. (That is not original from me!)

An article from the University of Missouri-Columbia (Child Development – How Preschoolers Develop) shares this information. At birth an infant is nearly one third of its height when it finishes growing. By the time a child is two, its physical height is almost half its adult height. One of the critical personality traits learned during these first years while physical growth is occurring is trust. It is the foundation for future relationships and the positive experiences those relationships can provide.

Linda Carrol, writing for MSNBC (Personality May Be Set By Preschool), cites a series of studies that indicate a significant part of a child’s personality is set by age three. This does not preclude, however, additional changes by events and decisions later in life. She quotes one researcher as saying within an individual’s personality, “tremendous change occurs even up until the 50s.” Foundations are laid in the preschool years. The walls of the personality structure can still be shaped through nearly a life span.

The book of Proverbs speaks of the value of the children in our midst and the importance of proper nurture. We must be intentional in shaping the pliable side of the personality. Training given at an early age will last for a lifetime (22:6). Appropriate discipline will provide guidance for future decisions (23:13-18; 29:17).

This children’s minster was working with a most precious crop. She was planting seed that would sprout in the years ahead and bear much fruit. But like the grains and grasses in the fields of a farm, these sprouts would continue to need nurture and care. Much would be accomplished in those first three to four years, but the molding would not be finished for decades to come.

Within the home family, biological or adopted, and within the family of faith, our children deserve our best. They deserve our selfless love. They deserve our wisdom gained through our years of experience. They deserve our grace even as we have received grace from our heavenly Father. They deserve the opportunity grow and become independent within the arms of a loving family that will teach them dependence upon a Father who will always be with them and love them beyond all human understanding.

Jesus said to let the children come to him for to such belongs the Kingdom of heaven. (Mark 10:13-16) In the innocence of a childlike faith, God asks his children to come to him. He seeks their love even as he seeks to give them his love. They approach the heavenly Father with the same trust they should learn to have in their earthly fathers. It is critical that we give the children of our families and churches the opportunity to learn to trust the God who gave them life.

Who Wants to Be Revived?

This is the season for gardening, watching azaleas bloom, wishing you could die instead of going through any more pollen explosions, and counting the days until professional football starts. For many churches it is also the season for scheduling their semi-annual series of worship services called spring revivals.

Churches schedule a set of evening services for their members and community generally with a guest preacher, sometimes guest musicians, and lasting from one day to two weeks or longer. In preparation the calendar is cleared of all other activities, publicity is spread throughout the congregation, and members are encouraged to invite everyone they know. Members are also asked to spend time praying for desired outcomes either alone or in groups.

Among us Baptists that is where we have our challenge, deciding what are our desired outcomes. We want to see new energy in the congregation. We want to see a renewed vision for ministry. We want to see people who are out of relationship with Christ develop one that offers new life. Unfortunately too often the results can be boiled down to one question in everyone’s mind. Did we get revived?

Perhaps a better question would be do we want to be revived. We say we want spiritual energy to come into our family of faith. We want a restoration of faith in the miraculous power of God. We want to see the pattern of lives change into spiritually healthy and growing individuals fully devoted to God. We want to see marriages strengthened. We want to see children begin the journey of Christian faith. We want to see priorities focus upon glorifying God through a renewed emphasis upon serving others in the name of Christ.

Do we also want to be revived to a life that brings the responsibilities of service and sacrifice? Revival services that fill a slot in the calendar and allow us to feel that we have tried is not revival but another church program maintained to sooth our spiritually shallow commitment to Christ and the Christian life. As the last song ends and the last church supper remains are cleaned up, members head home weary but relieved they have satisfied the requirements for being faithful, religious children of God. Being revived through transformation is not a priority for their lives.

Revival, being instilled with a renewed life to be given over to God, means change. We can easily say we want to be revived, we want to live a life that reveals more of Christ in us and honors our heavenly Father. Saying that is not the same thing as being willing to accept the changes that go along with being revived. We may not be so quick to pray for revival when we realize the sacrificial service that is required to live out the revived life.

To be transformed through spiritual revival would lead to loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and spirit and loving our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:28-31). To experience spiritual revival would involve a rejection of temptation to conform to this world and choosing rather to be transformed by a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2). To experience spiritual revival would be to consider others more important than ourselves (Romans 12:3, 10, 16) A life impacted by spiritual revival would seek to serve rather than lead (Mark 10:43-45), seek to give rather than receive (Acts 20:35), seek to be redemptive rather than judgmental (Matthew 6:14-15). A life that has been touched by spiritual revival will operate on a different standard from the world, returning good for evil (Romans 12:17, 21).

If we reap the fruit of true revival, we will be different from the world. We will stand out from the world. We will live by a different standard, respond in different ways, and represent a spiritual ethic that will not just be different from that of society, but will stand in judgment upon society without us uttering a single condemnatory word. To put it bluntly, if we live lives that have been transformed by spirit-deep revival, the world won’t like us very much. Are we ready to accept that?