A Ministry to the Lonely

When was the last time you had more than a passing conversation with a human being face-to-face? How about an extended conversation over a digital device that involved more than a series of four word sentences? We can read all the books and stories and news bites we want, but they cannot replace personal and extended human interaction.

These two stories caught my attention recently and stirred my concern even more for the elderly vulnerable in our world.

From Great Britain:

 “The majority of people over 75 live alone and about 200,000 older people in the UK have not had a conversation with a friend or relative in more than a month, according to government data.

“Most doctors in Britain see between one and five patients a day who have come mainly because they are lonely, according to the Campaign to End Loneliness, a network tackling the health threat isolation poses to the elderly.”

Britain appoints minister for loneliness amid growing isolation,

Reuters, Lee Mannion, January 17, 2018

From CNBC a story about “ElliQ”:

 “A company named Intuition Robotics showed off a new robot at CES that's specifically designed for the elderly.

“It's a smart voice assistant with a personality that can help remind senior citizens of upcoming calendar appointments, show pictures from the family, receive and send messages and more. It's also supposed to serve as a companion that people can have social interactions with.”

(CNBC, Todd Haselton | @robotodd, Published 2:08 PM ET Tue, 9 Jan 2018)

It is one thing to be alone. It is altogether different to be lonely. There are many occasions in which we need to be alone. These might be times of concentrated introspection or when critical decisions need to be made. They may be times of personal, profoundly emotional prayer, and no one should be there but the Father and the one praying.

We were never meant to be lonely. From the beginning we were created to be social beings. God saw the need and created the two sexes to meet that need.

Gen 2:18 “Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

That need for relationship was never lost regardless of our sinful state. The heartfelt cry of the Psalmist reflects this innate need of the human soul.

Psa_25:16 “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”

Since the time Cain asked God if he was responsible as his brother’s keeper (Genesis 4), we must be about the business of seeking the best for those around us. In the case of the elderly, it means we are responsible for meeting this critical need of socialization for them when they cannot do it for themselves. It involves one-on-one contact. It means including them as individuals of worth in our social circles. It means never allowing them to think they are forgotten.

As congregations of families of faith, we are to be clear about the place of our elderly members in our social circles. Far more than just providing them a chair at the table, we must encourage them to participate at the highest level they can. Through these relationships they come to see their value beyond an ability to produce material results. In this family context they realize their value as contributors to the social network in the eyes of God as well as those of the spiritual family.

Loneliness is a confirmed killer. First it kills the emotions, then the spirit, and finally the body. There is a known and effective cure. It is called friendship.

A Not So Merry Christmas

A recent local newspaper headline inspired mixed emotions. In one story picture a half constructed house surrounded a young woman and her two children. The residence was being built under the program entitled Operation Finally Home.

The woman and her two preschool sons would receive this new home as a gift from the organization in appreciation of the sacrifice her family had made. This would be her third Christmas as a military widow, her Air Force husband, age 26, having been killed in Afghanistan in 2011. Her recent move to this area prompted the action from the sponsoring charity.

Around my home tiny lights seem to be everywhere. The Christmas tree has three strands and the pure white angel at the top carries a single torch in her hand. A small, decorative tree next to the grandfather clock has a similar strand woven through its limbs. Around our front door a green garland is lit by the same style of lights welcoming guests to our door.

They all contribute to a mood of brightness and joy, in eager anticipation of the special day only a week away. I cannot help but believe it will take more than several strings of lights along with green garlands and multicolored ornaments to bring such joy into the home mentioned above. There will be other family members present. Neighbors will come by to make sure every need is being met, every need but one.

This young widow is one of many individuals who will spend this Christmas not feeling quite as merry as the rest of us. Others will be marking perhaps a fifth, a tenth, or even more Christmases alone. Maybe they will be in their own home. Perhaps they will be in a home for those who can no longer care for themselves.

Others will be with a family member, but they won’t be at home. The circle of loved ones will be gathered around a hospital bed wondering what the night will bring.

Some will find themselves in a strange city scared with nowhere to turn. Decisions made in a moment of confusion and pain have brought them to a Christmas Eve they never thought they’d face.

The second chapter of the Gospel of Luke records the events in the life of a young woman who must have felt these same emotions. Mary went with her betrothed husband to a small town several days travel from her home. She was already far along in her pregnancy.

People coming to Bethlehem to register for the new taxes packed the village. Every room to rent for the night was taken. Joseph and Mary may have been in Bethlehem for several days when Mary realized they would never make it back to Nazareth in time for her to have her baby close to family.

The only person she knew was her husband. The only place offering any privacy was a stable. None of her family would be present to help. There would be no midwife. Mary must have felt very alone.

A manger filled with straw cradled the new born infant. Instead of admiring relatives, there were simple shepherds speaking of divine messengers and strange tidings of prophecies being fulfilled. Instead of the support a new mother should have been able to expect, Mary had to deal with a new baby in a strange town filled with strange folk.

A merry Christmas is not created by the gifts one receives or the music one hears or by all the decorations everywhere. These all help, but a merry Christmas is most often determined by who is sitting beside you, by who is there to share in all that Christmas means to you.

Mary had Joseph and a tiny infant whose destiny she did not understand. That young military widow has two young sons and other family members. No one need be, should be alone this Christmas, but it may take one of us to remind others the baby born so long ago is still here with us and will never leave us alone. (Matthew 28:20)

Alone and Lonely

I was a single seminary student. It was late. I was wondering if the world could feel any emptier. So I made that hesitant call to a girl in another dorm who had had my eye for a long time. There had been no progress in our dating. “We’re just friends. Remember that,” I was told. The phone rang and rang and rang. As I hung up, I thought of a silly, little rhyme, “I call and I call and I call. I wonder if anyone will ever answer at all.” Hard stuff for a 25-year-old who had no interest in leading a bachelor’s life.

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. We need to be alone at times. Those are the dangerous times in which we may have to confront ourselves and decide if we like what we find. Those are the times when we can decide if we are moving in our direction or a direction chosen by someone else.

For some those times of being alone are the only times God can get through and be heard. Like the old proverbial saying, we only look to heaven when we are on our back, God may be able to get our attention only when he shuts out the rest of the noisy world. At that point he can speak and not be confused with the current top-rated social philosopher. Elijah is a classic example. (I Kings 19)

Sometimes we want to be alone. No one ever wants to be lonely. Yet too often we find that feeling creeping in and filling our souls. Maybe we are alone and the solitary condition evolves into loneliness. Sometimes we are in the midst of a crowd and the lack of commonality leaves us wondering if anyone even realizes we exist.

Starbucks is famous for its philosophy, “We create community.” You may come into one of their shops and wish to be alone, but they never want you to come in and be smacked with loneliness. For them a cup of coffee is an open door to relational connection.

Alone is measured by numbers. Lonely is measured by love and acceptance. Alone is geographical. Lonely is relational. Alone is often by desire. Lonely never is. There is often a human need to be alone. There is a human fear of being lonely and all that implies.

After spending two weeks with her mother, my wife is back in our home. I was alone for those two weeks. I was never really lonely, for knowing there was someone who loved me even while out of sight created a togetherness that distance could not affect. The relationship existed. The love was present. The connection was enhanced by phone, but the connection did not depend upon it.

The same dynamics can be said of life in the local church. We are proud to say we are members of a friendly congregation. Then we cannot understand why guests come once and never return. Perhaps our guests found a seat in our pews but not a relationship with the person next to them. Our guests were not alone, but we made them feel lonely. People don’t want a friendly church. They want a friend.

The Old Testament idea of God’s closeness shines through Psalm 23. In the New Testament Jesus emphasized his disciples would never need to feel loneliness. In the conversation he had on his last night before he died, Jesus promised his followers he would never leave them abandoned, orphaned in the Greek. (John 14:18) In the last verse of the Gospel of Matthew, he assured his listeners he would be with them until the end of the age. (Matthew 28:20)

We were made to live in relationship. We may choose to be alone, but we are drawn to relationships that fill the need to be connected to others on some level. We may use terms such as family, acquaintance, friend, or lover, but the final product is a relationship we try to use as an antidote for the destructive disease we call loneliness.